Today just feels like one of those really blah days, ya know? That in mind, I just remembered it was Thursday and I needed to talk about my fears. But I don't really know what it is that I fear. This last year I've been through so many changes that I'm not sure I have a fear I haven't been faced with.
Aside from the never ending fear of spiders, snakes, scorpions, and all those evil critters, I'm with a couple of the girls (so far) with my fear of needles. I'm not IV friendly, I'm not shot friendly, and I have been banned from my fair share of doctors offices for kicking the nurse in the stomach when she tried to give me a shot... That being said, my blood is my blood, it should stay inside my body and nothing should mix with it. I don't have much of a fear of tattoos or piercings, but the whole putting something in my muscles or veins and or taking something out of them... Yep, not ok.
Like mentioned in my 10 things I love blog entry, I have a little brother. When I say "little brother" everyone assumes a few years younger than I am, which is most definitely the case... but the "few years" is more like "twenty years". I had to face the fear of losing my mother. She is a diabetic and (still) refuses to take medication to make her better. This got really bad when she decided to keep on with the pregnancy and then have my brother... I was sitting in the office when they explained to me, my mother, and my sister how my mom needed to take her meds otherwise when they cut the umbilical cord, my brother could go into shock and seize. My mom was still very selfish and wouldn't really do much about her medical situation, therefore putting my brother's life at risk before he even got a chance to live. I didn't realize til then that I was so emotionally invested in someone I had yet to meet... someone I had yet to hold, or lay eyes on. Needless to say, I was on the phone every day with my mom making sure she was at least taking her medication the last two months. This fear of losing someone that meant so much to me carries on still now that he is out and healthy (for the most part)... He is going to be 9 months this month!! I'm just terrified that he will grow up and hate me for some reason, afraid he will get picked on in school (not that he has a reason to... its just one of those things I am afraid of happening), and the major fear is having to answer questions I really don't want to answer when he gets older. I mean... I'm going to lose my mom one day, and thats scary... but I think I could handle that more than he can. I'm 21 and I've had this long with her but I always wonder if he will get that amount of time with her too...
Another awesome fear of mine is that I will end up alone. I can't honestly tell you the last time I wasn't in love with someone. I went from being in love with a boy in junior high/highschool, to being in love with another boy in highschool, to falling out of love with him this last year, and falling head first into love with the amazing man I'm in love with now... I didn't intend things to be this way, believe me... it just how things happen... However, being in a long distance relationship isn't something that is new to me... I'm just scared that this 'being alone' part will never end. Like... what if one day we want to get married and start a family (yea that is REALLY REALLY far in the future if it does happen... we're very early on in our relationship) and we can't do that because of distance... What if we get to the point where we want to close the distance and can't? Can't as in not allowed to... What if he doesn't like me? For example, I am not the smallest girl... I'm not even an average sized girl... What happens when he sees me and wants to turn away? Seeing someone on webcam every single day for almost six months now I'm sure doesn't compare to seeing that person in front of you physically... I'm afraid I've allowed my emotions to run wild and do what they will without thinking about long term effects of this... I sit here and can't help but wonder sometimes, does he feel this way too or is he telling you that he does so you aren't hurt in the end?
Which leads to the next fear... doubt. I'm not even in a position to elaborate on that one right now...
I know this is sounding like I have faced a couple of the fears above already, and I have... but that doesn't mean they went away...
My best friend opened my eyes to the fear that has always been gnawing at me... Losing her. I'm not even going to lie, things aren't looking great in her life right now (not worried about her killing herself or anything...) and I wonder how much more she can handle... I always hear people talk about how their significant other is their soul mate and all this... but I found my soul mate in my best friend. I can make it through anything as long as she is by my side. With things that are going on in her life right now, uncontrollable and technically inevitable things, I'm constantly worried that she won't always be there... I hate to see her cry, I just sit there and stare. Lately that has been too much, but for the first time in almost ten years of knowing her... I don't know what to say to make things better... I never had that problem before, and I'm afraid it will happen again.
Now that I think about it, I fear mortality. I fear that I will lose those people that mean the most to me before they lose me... and I know that sounds so selfish, but I would rather be gone before they are. I don't want to go through losing them, and to be honest I don't know if I could go through that.
All in all, I do believe my biggest fear is actually tattooed on my body. "Ce Que Si" (French for "What If"). Those words will always haunt me. The possibilities of "what if" will always eat away at me.
What if I lose them?
What if I fail?
What if no one likes me?
What if something goes wrong?
What if what if what if what if....
Ok this blog sounded so depressing... >.< fail.
Thank you for sharing. I like how you really dug deep with your fears.
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