Tiffinnie - She isn't real.

I thought this would be a little hard... but I guess picking the song is not the hard part for me... its explaining WHY I picked this song, what about it sets it apart from all the others to me... what makes me listen to it on repeat for hours and hours
I'm posting the lyrics to two songs... Vermillion Part 1 and part 2 (I'm very very partial to part two) by Slipknot. Now I know that so many people who don't actually listen to Slipknot think automatically that its some heavy metal shit that couldn't possibly be slow or understandable because that would throw the universe into a black hole and we would all die... or end up in a land where unicorns roam the galaxy freely on rainbow highways and the air would always be clean but the sky wasn't actually blue its pink and full of marshmallows instead of clouds shaped like Enrique Iglesias.........
wait I got off topic.
Ok... so the story behind the first time I heard this song is my first REAL boyfriend ever sang it to me. He played guitar and learned it and sang it to me while playing it for me and I had never heard Slipknot before but I remembered what they looked like so I was a little shocked that he told me it was one of their songs and then asked me to go to a concert with him... I told him no because I was terrified of what they look like... the band members... they look like demons! Psychotic freaks! ugh! NOT a place for a lady! Anyways I was sweet talked into going and that was in 2005. I haven't missed a show of theirs out here since. That was my first rock concert and moshpit. This was the first time I got put in the middle of a crowd and had no control over my own movements... I had no place to turn... I let my body go limp and felt the bass through my entire body and allowed the people around me to push and pull and toss me where ever i needed to go. I was weightless and completely without control.


Something about that song stuck with me... "She isn't real, I can't make her real." I felt like that could go in so many ways for me... I was cutting myself and not telling anyone but my best friend, who was there at the concert with me. I was living two different lives. I was one person inside of my room, I was a different person in front of everyone. I literally did not recognize the girl I saw in the mirror anymore, and I wished she was me. She was such a badass! She dressed tough, everyone thought she was so hardcore and unshakable! But that was not me. I was the one inside. I was the one broken and always crying behind closed doors and letting people walk on me because I had to. I HAD TO. Something always screamed inside of me that I had to let people treat me the way they did, I had to stand back and put on this hard mask and make people believe that I really was tough because one day I would need to believe it myself and how the hell was I supposed to believe it if no one else did... that was backwards. I was backwards. I needed everyone else to believe me before I could believe myself. I was terrified of rejection and held on to one of the most abusive relationships in my life thus far (and hopefully ever). Eventually it was too much for me... I let go and for some reason the only thing that ever calmed me after that was this song (at least part 2 of it when I need calming... part 1 if I need picked up)










The bold in part one is what stood out to me about this song... the crossed out stuff in part 2 isnt actually part of the song but more of my thoughts on how I related to it... how I needed it to save me... where I was in my life... and why it helped pull me through.

Part one

She seems dressed in all the rings
Of past fatalities
So fragile yet so devious
She continues to see it
Climatic hands that press
Her temples and my chest
Enter the night that she came home
Forever

Oh (She's the only one that makes me sad)

She is everything and more
The solemn hypnotic
My Dahlia bathed in possession
She is home to me

I get nervous, perverse, when I see her it's worse
But the stress is astounding
It's now or never she's coming home
Forever

Oh (She's the only one that makes me sad)

Hard to say what caught my attention
Fixed and crazy, Aphid attraction
Carve my name in my face, to recognize
Such a pheromone cult to terrorize

I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

(Yeah!)

(oh-oh)
I'm a slave, and I am a master
No restraints and, unchecked collectors
I exist through my need, to self oblige
She is something in me, that I despise

I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

SHE ISN'T REAL!
I CAN'T MAKE HER REAL!
SHE ISN'T REAL!
I CAN'T MAKE HER REAL!

She isn't real (She isn't real)
I can't make her real (can't make her real)
She isn't real (She isn't real)
I can't make her real (can't make her real)

Part two

She seems dressed in all of me
Stretched across my shame
All the torment and the pain
leak through and covered me
I'd do anything to have her to myself

We are the same person, however I can't seem to make myself believe that we ARE the same. We are ME. I am her and she is me and we reside in the same body, the same mind. We hurt each other... we enable each other... we console each other.

Just to have her for myself
Now I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad

I hate that I am not as strong and witty as she is... I hate that she can be so tough, and I am sitting here broken and want to be accepted by anyone... I want to be able to look in the mirror for once and see me there instead of her. I want her to go away if she isn't going to let me be seen or let us melt together and become US, ME.

She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable
Shes a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
And I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad

Keep reminding yourself that you are her. you are the same girl you see in the mirror, the same girl that can walk with her head high and any time someone comes by in the halls and shoulder bumps you intentionally for some completely unknown reason, remember that you have the strength to put that hard face on and keep walking forward because YOU are better than that. You won't let them hurt you. They can't. You did nothing for them to hold against you and you will not let their need to be angry and mean toward other people that they don't know anything about get to you.

But I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
(x 3)

A catch in my throat
Choke
Torn into pieces
I won't......No
I don't want to be this

But I won't let this build up inside of me
(won't let this build up inside of me)
I won't let this build up inside of me
(won't let this build up inside of me)
I won't let this build up inside of me
(won't let this build up inside of me)
I won't let this build up inside of me
(won't let this build up inside of me......won't let this build up inside of me)

After the lights go out and you are alone and its just you because she is exhausted and sleeping and if you move you'll wake her, you lay there... more broken than before because someone tripped you... literally... walking in the hall... and you didn't do anything to them. She isn't doing her job anymore... she isn't showing how strong and unshakable she is anymore if they keep doing this to her... So lay there and cry and scream and kick off the covers and literally cry until you make yourself sick, puking, and then when you are done and you know that the only thing that is making you stay awake is the sobs, the noises escaping your mouth and chest and they woke her up just in time for you to go to sleep from your emotionally exhausting hours of keeping quiet and calm inside of her...

(sheee)
She isn't real
(won't let this build up inside of me)
I can't make her real
(won't let this build up inside of me)
She isn't real
(won't let this build up inside of me)
I can't make her real
(won't let this build up inside of me)

We both are exhausted but she can't shake the feeling that something you did is about to escape her grasp, someone will find out what you did... someone will find out how weak you are and ruin everything! How much longer can the two of you keep this up? How much longer can you two play Jekyll and Hyde? How much longer til she is exhausted and goes to sleep and you get up and ruin everything that she has been working so hard to keep calm and in place?

Through all of this I found out I had a panic disorder and the pain in my chest that was radiating through my body was because I couldn't keep up with the charades anymore. I had to find a way to either kill her, or she needed to find a way to kill me, or we needed to stop being two different people and become ONE person. Five years of therapy and the medication did no good... I hated myself. But I saw us as two people and if I kept telling myself "She isn't real, I can't make her real" and "I won't let this build up inside of me" no matter who was the front man at the moment... I would pull through... We eventually grew together, me and... well... me... and we do an amazing job at working together now... Sometimes I need my medication, other times I just need to lay down and listen to this song as loud as I can get it and fall asleep.