Ryan - Running To Stand Still

SO, I WAS going to write my "intro" post lol but we have such a great topic this week, so I will hold off, yet again..for another week on my intro lol- im sorry :P

Anyways, this was easy for me. There is ONE band that i absolutely love.. that i have loved since grade 6, and will love till the day I die- are you ready for it????? ............... U2.

I have seen them in concert once unfortunately, but will see them again in July!!! If you knew me.. you'd know that I am obsessed with them. Anyways, im getting off topic and to excited lol...

The song that Is my favourite and really explains who i am is called ... "Running To Stand Still".
Interesting fact- I got the song title tattooed on my right Forearm- not many people know the song, so I usually have to go into detail about what it means to me.. so here we go......

U2 actually wrote the song about a girl from Dublin who was experiencing drug troubles in her life.
For me... its about struggling. My whole life, was a struggle. Dealing with an alcoholic mom and an abusive step-father. Not to mention... an alcoholic dad too. I worked 2 jobs at the age of 11, attended school, went to cadets, played hockey and baseball...and really didn't have much of a childhood. I had so many options to get "out" of the situation I was in.. but im loyal to my family.
It was a hard 8 years... and it felt like no matter what I did to push myself forward, I was always 2 steps back again. I'm sure everyone feels like this in their life at some point or another.. which is why i think its a very easy song to relate to.
This song has meant something to me since the day i heard it... It was like instantly, i fell in love with it. The beautiful acoustic guitar, harmonica and nice quiet drum riff... it was perfect.
So, this is my life in a song .. right here. A struggle to find happiness.. but it seemed like it never happened. In General- we work and work and work, but we still never make it ahead... financially, emotionally.. its all so hard- We run so hard and fast, only to stand still.

I did then, and i still am and probably always will be.... Running To Stand Still.

Lyrics:
And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was
Lying still
Said I gotta do something
About where we're going

Step on a steam train
Step out of the driving rain, maybe
Run from the darkness in the night
Singing Ha, Ah La La La De Day
Ah La La La De Day
Ah La La De Day

Sweet the sin
Bitter taste in my mouth
I see seven towers
But I only see one way out

You got to cry without weeping
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice

You know I took the poison
From the poison stream
Then I floated out of here
Singing...Ha La La La De Day
Ha La La La De Day
Ha La La De Day

She runs through the streets
With her eyes painted red
Under black belly of cloud in the rain
In through a doorway she brings me
White gold and pearls stolen from the sea
She is raging
She is raging
And the storm blows up in her eyes
She will...

Suffer the needle chill
She is running to stand

Still.

Luce-She Will Be Loved

For me it is a very simple question...

Favorite song? One that truly truly speaks to your heart and soul...one that encompasses you....

And for me it is by a group I really like and the first time I heard the song..I knew. It truly said it all.

I am hard to love.

I love easily.

I smile.

I hide the pain.

I knew some day someone would come along and love me entirely.

I knew that even though I was married; I was unhappy and unable to love fully.

This song gave me hope.

This song said LUCE all over it.

It opened my eyes.

And I didn't know at the time that they needed to be opened.

Beauty queen of only eighteen

She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehowI want more
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be lovedShe will be loved
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

Ah yes...She WILLLLL be loved.

So hard to put into words what this song does for me.

Jamie - Just one song?

I can't just pick one and write about the lyrics. There's too many that I like or have meaning to me. It's like me going up to you and saying "Okay you have all these organs in your body, pick one that you need and we take out the rest" O_O Well, maybe not that drastic but you get my point. There's just too many songs that have helped me get through things, shape my personality, calmed my storms, formed my thoughts... you get my point. So there you have it folks.

Tiffinnie - She isn't real.

I thought this would be a little hard... but I guess picking the song is not the hard part for me... its explaining WHY I picked this song, what about it sets it apart from all the others to me... what makes me listen to it on repeat for hours and hours
I'm posting the lyrics to two songs... Vermillion Part 1 and part 2 (I'm very very partial to part two) by Slipknot. Now I know that so many people who don't actually listen to Slipknot think automatically that its some heavy metal shit that couldn't possibly be slow or understandable because that would throw the universe into a black hole and we would all die... or end up in a land where unicorns roam the galaxy freely on rainbow highways and the air would always be clean but the sky wasn't actually blue its pink and full of marshmallows instead of clouds shaped like Enrique Iglesias.........
wait I got off topic.
Ok... so the story behind the first time I heard this song is my first REAL boyfriend ever sang it to me. He played guitar and learned it and sang it to me while playing it for me and I had never heard Slipknot before but I remembered what they looked like so I was a little shocked that he told me it was one of their songs and then asked me to go to a concert with him... I told him no because I was terrified of what they look like... the band members... they look like demons! Psychotic freaks! ugh! NOT a place for a lady! Anyways I was sweet talked into going and that was in 2005. I haven't missed a show of theirs out here since. That was my first rock concert and moshpit. This was the first time I got put in the middle of a crowd and had no control over my own movements... I had no place to turn... I let my body go limp and felt the bass through my entire body and allowed the people around me to push and pull and toss me where ever i needed to go. I was weightless and completely without control.


Something about that song stuck with me... "She isn't real, I can't make her real." I felt like that could go in so many ways for me... I was cutting myself and not telling anyone but my best friend, who was there at the concert with me. I was living two different lives. I was one person inside of my room, I was a different person in front of everyone. I literally did not recognize the girl I saw in the mirror anymore, and I wished she was me. She was such a badass! She dressed tough, everyone thought she was so hardcore and unshakable! But that was not me. I was the one inside. I was the one broken and always crying behind closed doors and letting people walk on me because I had to. I HAD TO. Something always screamed inside of me that I had to let people treat me the way they did, I had to stand back and put on this hard mask and make people believe that I really was tough because one day I would need to believe it myself and how the hell was I supposed to believe it if no one else did... that was backwards. I was backwards. I needed everyone else to believe me before I could believe myself. I was terrified of rejection and held on to one of the most abusive relationships in my life thus far (and hopefully ever). Eventually it was too much for me... I let go and for some reason the only thing that ever calmed me after that was this song (at least part 2 of it when I need calming... part 1 if I need picked up)










The bold in part one is what stood out to me about this song... the crossed out stuff in part 2 isnt actually part of the song but more of my thoughts on how I related to it... how I needed it to save me... where I was in my life... and why it helped pull me through.

Part one

She seems dressed in all the rings
Of past fatalities
So fragile yet so devious
She continues to see it
Climatic hands that press
Her temples and my chest
Enter the night that she came home
Forever

Oh (She's the only one that makes me sad)

She is everything and more
The solemn hypnotic
My Dahlia bathed in possession
She is home to me

I get nervous, perverse, when I see her it's worse
But the stress is astounding
It's now or never she's coming home
Forever

Oh (She's the only one that makes me sad)

Hard to say what caught my attention
Fixed and crazy, Aphid attraction
Carve my name in my face, to recognize
Such a pheromone cult to terrorize

I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

(Yeah!)

(oh-oh)
I'm a slave, and I am a master
No restraints and, unchecked collectors
I exist through my need, to self oblige
She is something in me, that I despise

I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

SHE ISN'T REAL!
I CAN'T MAKE HER REAL!
SHE ISN'T REAL!
I CAN'T MAKE HER REAL!

She isn't real (She isn't real)
I can't make her real (can't make her real)
She isn't real (She isn't real)
I can't make her real (can't make her real)

Part two

She seems dressed in all of me
Stretched across my shame
All the torment and the pain
leak through and covered me
I'd do anything to have her to myself

We are the same person, however I can't seem to make myself believe that we ARE the same. We are ME. I am her and she is me and we reside in the same body, the same mind. We hurt each other... we enable each other... we console each other.

Just to have her for myself
Now I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad

I hate that I am not as strong and witty as she is... I hate that she can be so tough, and I am sitting here broken and want to be accepted by anyone... I want to be able to look in the mirror for once and see me there instead of her. I want her to go away if she isn't going to let me be seen or let us melt together and become US, ME.

She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable
Shes a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
And I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad

Keep reminding yourself that you are her. you are the same girl you see in the mirror, the same girl that can walk with her head high and any time someone comes by in the halls and shoulder bumps you intentionally for some completely unknown reason, remember that you have the strength to put that hard face on and keep walking forward because YOU are better than that. You won't let them hurt you. They can't. You did nothing for them to hold against you and you will not let their need to be angry and mean toward other people that they don't know anything about get to you.

But I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
(x 3)

A catch in my throat
Choke
Torn into pieces
I won't......No
I don't want to be this

But I won't let this build up inside of me
(won't let this build up inside of me)
I won't let this build up inside of me
(won't let this build up inside of me)
I won't let this build up inside of me
(won't let this build up inside of me)
I won't let this build up inside of me
(won't let this build up inside of me......won't let this build up inside of me)

After the lights go out and you are alone and its just you because she is exhausted and sleeping and if you move you'll wake her, you lay there... more broken than before because someone tripped you... literally... walking in the hall... and you didn't do anything to them. She isn't doing her job anymore... she isn't showing how strong and unshakable she is anymore if they keep doing this to her... So lay there and cry and scream and kick off the covers and literally cry until you make yourself sick, puking, and then when you are done and you know that the only thing that is making you stay awake is the sobs, the noises escaping your mouth and chest and they woke her up just in time for you to go to sleep from your emotionally exhausting hours of keeping quiet and calm inside of her...

(sheee)
She isn't real
(won't let this build up inside of me)
I can't make her real
(won't let this build up inside of me)
She isn't real
(won't let this build up inside of me)
I can't make her real
(won't let this build up inside of me)

We both are exhausted but she can't shake the feeling that something you did is about to escape her grasp, someone will find out what you did... someone will find out how weak you are and ruin everything! How much longer can the two of you keep this up? How much longer can you two play Jekyll and Hyde? How much longer til she is exhausted and goes to sleep and you get up and ruin everything that she has been working so hard to keep calm and in place?

Through all of this I found out I had a panic disorder and the pain in my chest that was radiating through my body was because I couldn't keep up with the charades anymore. I had to find a way to either kill her, or she needed to find a way to kill me, or we needed to stop being two different people and become ONE person. Five years of therapy and the medication did no good... I hated myself. But I saw us as two people and if I kept telling myself "She isn't real, I can't make her real" and "I won't let this build up inside of me" no matter who was the front man at the moment... I would pull through... We eventually grew together, me and... well... me... and we do an amazing job at working together now... Sometimes I need my medication, other times I just need to lay down and listen to this song as loud as I can get it and fall asleep.

Krista ~ Heart of Life

I have a ton of songs that I love, and my favorites tend to be ones that remind me of certain times in my life, whether it be a sad time or a happy time. I'll always adore "Crush With Eyeliner" by REM because the guy I had a crush on one summer danced with me to it. Alanis Morissette's "Perfect" is my entire high school existence. "Here Comes A Regular" by the Replacements was on heavy rotation after a particularly nasty breakup. And don't get me started on virtually every song by Sarah McLachlan...such memories...

I originally wrote out another song to put here, then I changed my mind and decided to post this one instead. I found this song last summer and fell in love with it. It's somewhere between happy and sad, and the music is beautiful. It makes me smile to listen and think about the message. This may not be my favorite song of all time, but it's in solid contention...You should check it out!

The Heart of Life by John Mayer:

I hate to see you cry
Laying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

Heather- Oh hot damn, this is my jam!

Yes, I just used that as the title of my blog. Lol. So anyway, when I found out we were doing our favorite song/lyrics, I was excited because I've had the same ultimate favorite song for the last 7 years. I have to give a little history, though.

When I was a freshman in high school, I had been in the same school district for 3 years. I moved a lot, but I always stayed at the same school. Well, one day, when I was an innocent, insecure, scared little freshman, [November 8, to be exact] my mom came into the school during lunch. She walked up to me and said "I have to withdraw you." Cue the collapse of my world. Wait a second, you're telling me that I have to leave when I'm doing so good in ROTC and actually have a part in the school play? I have friends here and while I may not be the most popular kid, I don't get picked on or beat up and I sure as hell don't get suspended or disciplined in any way. Are you fk'ing kidding me???

I ended up getting kicked out of my school because I lived out of the district. I was always at school, I had amazing grades, and I never got in trouble. I was in half of the clubs ROTC offered, even if I wasn't very good. So I had to go to the school near where we lived. That sucked like hell, because I didn't know anyone my age. Awesome. I get to start all over again.

When I was signing up for classes at my stupid new school, I found out they didn't have ROTC. What the hell? That was the class I was taking in place of PE, because that's a stupid class, period. So the counselor told me they had something that was like ROTC, without the uniforms and the military background, called Teen Leadership. Whatever, sign me up as long as it keeps me out of PE. Turns out, it was nothing like ROTC.

On my first day, I acted like a total hard-ass because that's what got me through my most insecure days in the past. I found out later that I fooled the hell of out them. Go me. In Teen Leadership, we pretty much spent the period getting to know me. Awesome. In the next couple of weeks, we started helping the janitors clean the cafeteria since we had that class at the beginning of the day. Soon after that, my teacher, Coach Morgan, decided each morning we were going to stand in a circle, [not by the same people] put our arms on each others' shoulder while we swayed, yes, swayed, and sang "Lean on Me" by Bill Withers.

I know it sounds lame, but I swear, this song saved my life. I eventually got to where I trusted Coach Morgan and looked up to him. Then, I started looking forward to school, if only for Teen Leadership. My senior year, I was back at the first high school and in my Speech class, we had to do a stupid speech on our favorite song. Almost everyone picked their favorite song of the moment. "Lollipop" by Lil Wayne or something like that. My Speech teacher hated me because I was late all the time and didn't really give a fuck, but still passed everything with flying colors. So, being the smartass that I am, when he told us we had to give three reason why we chose the song, I started my speech with "I don't have three reasons. I have two, and that's all I need. By the time I'm done, you'll understand why." I told them about how this song saved my life and how it got me through my darkest days. [The year before I moved, I started cutting. A lot.] I lost a [14 year old] friend to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy shortly after I moved and left all my friends. I never did anything other than sit in my room and listen to music. I was really lonely and it was the most vulnerable time of my life. I actually teared up a few times, which surprised everyone because I was still quite the hard-ass to people that didn't know me.

But even now, 7 years later, when I'm a pretty happy person, it still gives me chills. I listen to it and it makes me sad that I let myself get to that point. I know I'm not completely grown and don't know everything, but I have a pretty good idea of who I can count on and who I never want to give up, which was my other reason why this was my favorite song.. I had a friend post a video on my Facebook wall a couple months ago and it turned out to be this song. Funny, because he was the one I sat next to when I gave the speech about it.

Anyhoo, before I get all emotional, I'm just gonna post a video [if I know how. Lol.] with the lyrics.

Sabrina-World in a Song

This week's topic is our favorite song.

Well, unfortunately I don't have a favorite song. I don't even have a list of top 10. My list would consist of way too many songs. So sadly I can't pick a favorite. I listen to all types of music, so choosing one would just be flat out hard.

I have to say that there are SO many great songs out there. I don't know how anyone could really pick one and if they do, have one specific one, then that song must mean a lot to them. If I had a favorite song then it would have to be something that I could listen to a million times over and never get sick of it. I would love the lyrics and it would have to have a good beat, for what is a song without a great beat. This description is of a bunch of songs I find wonderful. I will say though that music means so much to me that I can't even find a word to describe how I feel about it. I love it!

Ryan - Young Love

Well,
here is my 1st blog post..hoping I'm doing all of this the right way lol but I am going to continue with everyone this week and write about the love of my life.

October 2009, I played a lot of games, on a game site called.. Pogo. In May of that year, my girlfriend and the time and I had broken up due to a lot of crap going on.. but her and I managed to hang on to basically just being..friends. It was a very complicated situation- i loved her still, she didn't love me.. and all of that crap. So, I'm a pretty flirty person, and being on a gamesite where nobody knows me..i can basically do what i want, so i started talking to some girls, and eventually came across one who was from Canada, like myself. her name is Alex. Now, she was different then the rest.. there was really no flirting, nothing sexual.. nothing of that nature.. just 2 people who became good friends. So, come December...Alex's best friend Michelle had been over visiting her. She hopped on MSN and started talking to me... but she wasn't just randomly talking to me- she was quizzing me..because Alex actually liked me.

During all of this, my ex and I had begun to get pretty close again... but it was on HER terms, and I wasn't so sure about that. So.. down the line, I added this Michelle girl to facebook and we kinda made small talk back and forth. I continued to talk to Alex.. really not thinking anything at all.. these were just 2 girls i spoke with every once in a while.

So, one night i was kinda frustrated so I happened to see Michelle on facebook "chat" ...so I messaged her and we began to talk. lol and I'll never forget this, cuz she STILL bugs me about this.. but when we were on the facebook chat, I said this " Hey, so..my chat keeps messing up, can i add you to MSN?" -- i know.. a cheesy way to continue talking to her more- but hey, it worked! LOL We talked on MSN for as long as we could. One night, I had a huge snow storm hit at home..and i had to go out in it- so i told her.. don't leave, i'll be back in, in like 20 minutes. Little did I know that my neighbours were stuck and couldn't get in their car or get out of where they were parked :S I spent close to 2 hours outside helping everyone..and then rushed inside to see if she was still there. Any sane person woulda just signed off.. but no, not her. She was still there..waiting for me to come back!! That's when I knew she was somethin special ;)

So.. the next few days things progressed. We passed christmas, and her birthday..then on December 27th, we were on MSN and I asked for her phone number. I was very flirty about it....but she always says that she was so excited that I finally asked. :) So..we would just text eachother..and thats basically all we did for a while, but it was still nice! She was the last person I'd text before bed..and the first I'd text when I woke up.

New years eve... i had to DJ for a party, so I wasn't drinking or having that much fun..so I was texting her. Now we have a 3 hour time difference, so we both had different New Years times. At Midnight my time, I text her and said : "i wish you were here..cuz I need someone to kiss at Midnight". She didn't believe me (at least she says) .. but if I coulda had anything at that moment..it woulda been her there so I could kiss her. That was the night that I knew I was really falling for this girl!!

January 2nd, 2010: The phone call. I was partying with my best friends and i was drunk lol... I told Michelle I would never make our 1st call a drunk one.. but when your drunk, you grow balls. :P So, my best friends talked me into it..and I warned her lol. I called her...and was just so blown away at how beautiful she sounded! I talked to her for maybe 5 minutes...and repeated myself like an idiot.. but oh well lol it was still amazing. From that day forward, we have spoken EVERY single day.

Heres the thing though- my ex was still in the picture. She had been causing a lot of problems and said she was "falling in love with me again". She only said this, when she knew i had a new girl in my life. It caused a lot of problems for Michelle and I. I look back now and think wow, what an ass i was.. but it makes me happy that we are here today. My ex tried to hold on, when i was letting go- but i hate hurting people.. so it was very hard for me to let her down. I told my ex that I needed to give Michelle a chance- she deserved it, and I was in love with her.

January 28th, I said I love you- that was the best day ever! michelle's best friend Alex wasn't to happy about this though for some reason.. but knew we were old enough to make up our own minds. By this time, My ex and I were still speaking, but she really wasn't happy with me.. but that wasn't her choice.. i could do what I wanted, and I chose Michelle.

We tried so many times to make a trip out to see eachother... it just wasn't working. Finally in March (the 23rd) I asked Michelle to "officially" be with me- i wanted to wait until all the shit with my ex was over..because i didn't think it was fair. I wanted to give myself completely to Michelle before we were actually a couple ( and no no..i wasn't sleeping with my ex, so don't worry). We have never really followed March though, as an anniversary. We always say New Years, because that was the night we both realised how we felt about eachother..and if I would have been in the same place as her... we would have been going out by then lol... so, new years it is :)

Finally in April, I flew out here to see her! It was originally planned for 2 weeks.. but i extended my stay and stayed with her for a month. It was fantastic. We had quite a battle after that... but came out very strong from it. We have been getting stronger and stronger.

Were young, were in love and were ready to build a future together..July 1st I asked her to marry me. She is my whole world, my life and my everything. We have our move planned for October this year- she is moving to my province..and then we plan to begin our wedding planning :)

Luce-He who believes in ME.

I have been there done that with love. I fell in love, married at 25..had my son at 28 and then had two more children.

Ahhh...my life was set and I would live happily ever after.

Life has an odd way of changing your world..in the quickest of ways. Our married life had always been violatile. We fought and fought...all the time...we seperated, got back together...till February '09. I ended it. He was devastated. In that devastation he did things I will never be able to forgive him for.

My walls were up and I was done. I dated...but always made sure it was long distance. I had a list of rules..and one of them was "Can't live in my town.." (didn't want to have the man controlling me and up my butt all the time trying to run my life..) and "Must own home" (because that showed that he was very responsible and could make commitments)....that was only two of my rules...but those two rules would come back and haunt me.

In October of 2009 I met a man from NH that I was quite smitten with.. I truly liked this man so much and I knew from the moment I first spoke with him that I had developed a crush, but he was in a state hours away and actually I was dating someone. I eventually met the man I was dating LD and he and I did NOT have the chemistry that we had online. From the moment we met I was very taken back and really wished we could just go back to what we had online. He was very controlling and domineering. If you know me...you would know that would be MAJOR red flags. That relationship was falling apart from the get go and I would talk more and more to NH man and suddenly he informed me he was meeting someone he had met online. OMG NO! I quickly shifted my words and basically told him it was a BIG mistake. Thank God this woman must have felt the same way, because she backed off and never met him.

I was relieved. He had another woman online that I knew he had a crush on and I was determined that it was me he should be falling for. Long story short...I spent more time talking to him and showing him how I felt...and on Christmas Day '09...he told me he had fallen in love with me...I didn't say it right away...as I had walls up. I would NOT be hurt again...especially by a man I had never met. I mean it was great online...but what if..what if...we met and again it happened that the chemistry wasn't there?!! He then told me he would be coming to NY to meet me in a month. We talked all the time on the phone. We shared everything.

Our first meeting was beautiful. I knew that when I opened the door I was looking at the love of my life and the man I would eventually marry. We then saw each other usually every 6 or so weeks...either me going there..or he coming here. I am so completely taken by this man it scares the hell out of me; yet excites me the same way. He is everything I have ever wanted and yet I didn't even realize that is what I wanted or even for that fact needed.

He doesn't do drama, is great with his money, and lives simply.

Such the opposite of me. But we blend. We blend like no other. Anyone that has seen us in person says the same thing..."Luce your eyes sparkle when you look at him." And they do. He is my lover, my best friend, and my husband to be.

I am hoping and praying that this distance can just end. All I have ever wanted was for this man to be by my side..that I can wake up in his arms for the rest of my life. It is all I want. And I hope to GOD it happens soon. Because I need him with me. Life is passing by and my life on pause is not what I want.

To feel this way, at 41...to truly KNOW this is it. Is unbelievable.

I actually am sitting with him...at our hotel at our weekend getaway. As I glance across the room and see him I sit here with tears streaming down my face. I know in the AM I have to drive the opposite way as him. I want to scream to him "damn forget if the house sells or not..forget being practical....let us have our dreams come true NOW~~"

Just once I want it to be MY TURN.

My turn to say....LDR is over and we have closed the distance. :(

I love him with every part of me...and I am a better woman for having him in my life.

Jamie - Geeks can find love too. :]

Prequel:

It was my 10th grade year, I was starting High School and my friends from Middle School were drifting away from me. So here I was, in a new environment with pretty much no friends except for one best friend. Being shy, I was having a hard time making new friends and I was becoming depressed. One day around February of 08, I was surfing the internet trying to curb my boredom and distract myself from feeling lonely. I came across a online MMORPG called MapleStory. I created a account and downloaded the game and I created my first character - Jezabella. I quickly befriended people and one boy was particularly nice to me. We became close friends but then he quit the game for some unknown reason. Within the same month of his disappearance I met another boy, Carlos. This is the story of how he became my boyfriend.

2008:

I met him May '08. I was 16 that year. We were in the same guild but I didn't talk to him much since I was shy. He though was very friendly and sociable within the guild and actively participated in the guild activities and was also very helpful and kind. On occasion some of the guild members would do a Party Quest called Monster Carnival. He and I were in this group of party questers within our guild and started talking a lot more and developed a friendship but it wasn't until a mutual friend of ours formally introduced us that we knew each others real names. Months passed by and our friendship grew closer and we started talking to each other on MSN about anything and everything. We soon became best friends. Around winter of that year I felt a slight shift within myself and saw him in a different light but paid no attention to it and from then on forward my feelings would grow.

2009:
Around February of the following year me and him were playing a imagination game of sorts on MSN where I was a witch and I casted a spell on him, which was apparently a love spell. So we pretended to be boyfriend and girlfriend for about an hour due to this "spell". Once we were done pretending, I was kinda bummed because I was having alot of fun and rather enjoyed being his "girlfriend". His reaction was quite different. He was very embarrassed and suddenly shy and said that we shouldn't of done that. I was confused by this and questioned him why and he said because friends don't kiss friends. Even though him saying that bothered me for some reason I agreed but told him that him getting flustered about it was kinda useless since whats done is done. March came and he sent me a pic of himself on his own accord which surprised me since it was unexpected. I looked at the picture a lot without really thinking about it and soon realized that I was attracted to him but I couldn't put a name to the feelings I had that have been developing. Around middle of March, I was having a conversation with one of my online friends who was also friends with Carlos (she was the one who "introduced" us) and out of the blue asked me if I liked Carlos. I played dumb and asked her what she meant (Even though I knew exactly what she meant) and she said "Quit playing dumb, You know exactly what I mean" and reluctantly replied "Yes, I do" and that was the day I admitted my feelings to myself.

The Depression:
So, I just admitted my feelings to myself. That sparked a depression because then I thought "I have these feelings but what if they won't be reciprocated?" I agonized on this one thought for about a good two weeks. Around this time, I got unlimited texting and was texting Carlos alot. One night, he was trying to make me feel better but wasn't succeeding. Out of frustration he said "Aww I would do anything for you Jamie, I just want you to be happy." Little did he know that him saying that gave me a glimmer of hope.


The Confession:
On April 9th I was yet again texting him and he asked why I was depressed so I told him it was because I liked someone but that someone didn't seem to notice my hints. And he said that the boy who had my heart is a lucky boy and I said yes he was. He asked me to describe this boy and so I went to describe him. After my description, he still didn't get that it was him so out of frustration I told him that he's a fool and that he's the boy who has my heart and that I love him. He was quite surprised and said that he loves me too and would be honored to be my boyfriend. We became official on April 11th, 2009.

The Present and The Future :

Despite the distance, we are still going strong and plan on being together for the rest of our lives. This June, He graduates from High School and will be moving to where I live. We plan to get married in a few years and have a family of our own I love him very much. He's my soulmate and I hope to have many happy years with him by my side. I couldn't imagine not being with him <3

Tiffinnie - A stranger stole my heart

Damn! I lost track of what day it was! I've been so wrapped up in painting my room that I actually didn't honestly know what day of the week it was...
Ok on to the topic and off the excuses!
This, dear blog readers, is a screencap from tonight...

We don't have any actual pictures together but come November we should. I know thats far away but I don't care... I'll wait. Until then, here are a couple drawings of us for your viewing pleasures. (more at the bottom)

Alriiiight! Well then. I'm not quite sure where to start when it comes to telling you how we met and became an "us"... I guess this all started back in July/August... yes, of this last year... Now I should warn you, this story of "us" has a back story of me and my ex, which I haven't really told anyone about... But I kinda feel like I can't explain us without explaining what happened right before we got together... the friendship that built up first... the trust I put in him, the things that he sat back and observed for a while....

When I met my current boyfriend was with my highschool sweetheart. When we got together I was 15 years old... we met at school and a month after we started dating he moved to Washington with his family... Two years in a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) and we closed the distance... Three years and a video game addiction later and we split up. That was back in September 2010. His name was AJ.
Soon after that I ended up in yet another LDR! I met the guy in an omegle chat (unlikely place to meet someone you will eventually fall heals over head for!) while I was still with AJ.




I was bored one night and was clicking through the *ahem* inappropriate webcam shots of... well you get the hint right? and then I came across this pretty pale boy with dark hair and a suit and tie... screaming... in Portuguese... on the phone... I do believe the first thing I said to him was "I don't want to see your penis." and he laughed at me and said he had no intention of showing it to me.




We met in late July 2010... The relationship with AJ had been over for months really, I was just waiting to see if things would get better... but in August things got worse... I would speak and get responses like "you're still talking?" and "no one cares."




The day I met meu amor I was on omegle in a webcam chat setting and he saw my reactions to those comments. It was all down hill with AJ from there... I moved out in September 2010... and started falling in love with this amazing foreign boy I met on omegle that night. We talked about things like wanting to move to Canada and buy a loft with green and dark grey walls and learning French and how there was a rule set that said "NO FALLING IN LOVE!"... of course that rule was already being broken and after 3 months of talking every single day he admitted it. He fell in love with me. I mean I developed feelings for him shortly after leaving AJ, not that I was going to admit that to him... and then on 11.11 I made a wish... nah thats cheesy... but on 11.11.10 I got up the guts to ask him to commit to being in a relationship with me. I thought I would have tons of convincing to do... but I didn't... I barely got the question out and he was telling me yes. But I had this huge argument speech thing prepped in my mind and I was all ready to deliver it and MAKE him see things from my stand point, even though it was unnecessary, I gave it anyways, feeling the need to at least get it off my chest and show him where I was coming from about the whole thing. So, I already got my "yes" and THEN gave my speech, now here we are... LDR number 4 for me. His name is Athila. He lives in Valinhos, Brazil and I'm madly in love with him. Plans are that we will meet when he comes here in November (lets hope plans don't change)! I talk to him every night, make stupid jokes with him that are odd to explain to outsiders, and today (as you can see from the screencap above) we managed to color coordinate our outfits without talking about it before hand... Not that I'm into that... I think its a little freakish when couples intentionally color coordinate their clothes with each other. It creeps me out and makes me make a face similar to this o.0 and turn my head to the side at an extreme angle.




I should explain what I mean by this is LDR4 (and hopefully the last one because I would love to spend forever with this guy!)... Before Athila, I was in three other LDRs (not at the same time...) and one that ended up closing the distance and living together for three years (that was AJ, who I am now kinda on speaking terms with...) Anyways... I actually might sound a little crazy when I tell you this, but I believe in getting to know a person without the physical distractions that show up in a relationship that starts out CD and never goes LD... I actually prefer to start out a relationship LD because I then get to know that person, get to know their moods and feelings and thoughts, get to pick apart their brain, and fall for who they are (or who they want to be) and not be focused on the physicality of things.




It hurts sometimes that I have to go to sleep alone, but I know its because I had someone next to me for so long. I actually am enjoying getting to know him as best as I can with the distance stopping me from thinking purely about sex or the awesome spinning feeling when the world kinda stops on your first kiss... I don't have that distraction to take away from getting to know him. I only have the raw deal, what he shows others, and what he hides. I know what I'm doing is risky and I thought it out before getting into this...I get worried sometimes that he will just decide that the wait and distance isn't worth it to him... but then I have to remind myself "what is life without risk?" I know that this whole relationship is a risk... a leap of faith... but I'm loving the fall and I don't care if there is nothing at the bottom but a concrete floor to break my fall, at least I'm taking the opportunity to fall. Some don't do that.




Tiff says:
what do i say?
Athila says:
say that I am too antisocial and you won't introduce me to anyone
huahuahua




Tiff says:
what was the first thing i said to you?
Athila says:
dont show me your ****


LMAO, true story folks... true. story.



uhh I hope this makes sense because I feel like I started rambling... did I start rambling? GRR! Anyways, if you want to hear more about my LDR as it happens, go subscribe to this adorable LDR blog I do with Jamie, or my personal blog (I put tons of convo clips in there)

Oh yea!! As of this very moment, we have been together for 3 months and 1 week exactly.

Krista - The love of my life

"I have to admit that you have done a world of good for me, and I feel fortunate to have come close to you. I know that distance and other things are a complication between us, but I want you to know that, no matter what happens, you have a special place in my heart. Regardless of what the future may bring, I will always consider you one of my best friends, and if anything more comes out of it, then I consider myself truly blessed. Thanks for all the late nights and nonsense talks. I look forward to many, many more in the future. Love always, Geoff" - Valentine's Day Card from 1997.



If by now you don't know the story of how Geoff and I met, here is the short version. I met Geoff when I was 18 years old and went to New Hampshire to visit a friend. He was my friend's ex and I was supposed to hate him. She asked him to take me out one day while I was there because she had to work, and for some unknown reason, he agreed to take her friend out for a day. A total stranger who he knew thought he was terrible. Best decision he ever made in my opinion!

We were together for about a year - technically we broke up before then but we still acted like we were in a relationship. Well, as much as we could given the distance between us. Long distance in those days sucked big time. The internet wasn't a household necessity yet and there were no cell phones with text messaging capabilities and unlimited long distance. Crazy how much the technology has changed! I was a Florida girl and he lived up north. His son was there and he wasn't leaving. I understood and offered to move but he felt I wouldn't leave my family so he thought it would be best if we were no longer together. If you know me, you know I am stubborn and I didn't accept this right away. So I scraped up the money (broke college kid) and took two weeks off to spend with him in New Hampshire in the middle of winter. It was the best and worst two weeks of my life. He broke my heart during that trip by telling me in no uncertain terms that we could not be in a relationship any longer. He claimed I was too young to realize what I was giving up if I left my home and moved there. Despite all of that, we had an amazing visit...I can never listen to "Tubtumping" without seeing the two of us sitting in his car and dancing along. When he took me to the airport, he was running late and I missed my flight home so I had to re-book a later one. We sat in the airport and talked (ok, well I cried and he talked) for a little longer before I had to finally go to the gate. It was an awful ride home. I cried the entire flight - listening to my Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On" cd over and over (yes, I know but this was 1998 for goodness sakes!). Years later, he admitted he made me miss my flight on purpose because he wasn't ready for me to leave.

So on with my life I went. Geoff was always there, always in the background, always my friend. Whenever I would doubt myself, he would talk me back up. He supported me when I felt like no one understood. And he was brutally honest with me. He would never let me get away with lying to myself about what was really going on. I met my son's father and he met another woman. As happens in life, our friendship drifted for awhile as we were both preoccupied with our relationships. Eventually we came back around.

After my ex and I split up, Geoff and I began to talk more and more. We broke a barrier we had been keeping up on New Year's Eve 2009 when he told me his biggest regret had been our break up so many years before. I knew that night that I still loved him. That I always had, and that I would never be as happy as I was when we were together with anyone else. But what were we going to do about it? After all, nothing had changed - we still lived almost 1500 miles apart from one another. And I wasn't sure if he felt the same because every time we would start to lead down that path in a conversation, we would remind each other again of the distance and how we were just happy we were best friends. More and more became every day. If we didn't talk for a day for whatever reason, it felt off. He was the person I wanted to share my good news with first, and come crying to when things weren't right. At some point we began discussing vacation plans, and we decided he should come down to Florida. He had made the promise to me when I left him years before that he would return the visit and come down to see me next time. He laughs now and says this was just proof that he always keeps his promises. It was just supposed to be a friendly visit...

When I picked him up from the airport, we hugged for a very long time. I had been nervous about seeing him again but it felt so normal to have him there in front of me. Before we admitted our feelings, we laid on my couch holding hands and watching random stuff on television, with me laying my head on his lap. Eventually during a trip to my kitchen to grab something to drink, he leaned in and kissed me.

It's been almost 8 months since we have been back together. I am lucky that he and I are committed to making this work despite the obstacles of the distance. I'm thankful for every day that we share because we missed out on so much. Our sons are supportive of our relationship, and their approval means more than you could possibly know.

He drives me insane regularly. He's also stubborn, and not as emotional as I am. He's maddeningly rational about things. He's a big Star Wars geek and a cheeseball. He hates Florida with a passion. You can't talk to him when the Patriots are playing. And if they lose, oh boy...He falls asleep way earlier than I do and sleeps in longer. He has a psycho kitty that he refuses to get rid of even though she stalks me and attacks me whenever he is not around. He's nine years older than I am and very set in his ways. He eats mayonnaise on virtually everything (so gross). We're both redheads (well, I am - he's going bald!). He would rather stay home and watch television on his huge screen TV and it kills him that I have a very basic 27 inch and no cable. He has an adorable northern accent and picks on my perfectly acceptable use of the word "ya'll". And we don't know when or how we will finally close this distance. But I love him. And he loves me. We're it for each other - rest of our lives :)

I talked to him about writing this and asked him if he had anything sweet to say to me to inspire me and this is what he said "You are more amazing than the blueberry ice cream with hot fudge that I am having for dessert" - See? Total cornball but it made me smile.

Without a doubt, I can honestly say that this man is the love of my life...and I can not wait until we are in the same place so we can really live happily ever after.

Heather- Let me tell you about my sugar cookie.

I've been DYING for this week so I could post about him. You'll have to forgive me if I go on forever. I tend to get a little carried away when I talk about him, but it's his fault. I've also decided to introduce him to the blogging side of me, so he gets to read this tomorrow. :]

Where to start! Well, at

the beginning, I guess, because that makes the most sense!

We met on Facebook. I think it's a pretty cool story. In high school, I was friends with this guy who went on to join the Navy. We became friends on Facebook. One day, he posted this really depressing status with these lame ass lyrics, but I'm so glad he did. I commented, saying he was being morbid. Then, this kid named Skyler said something that I thought was funny, so I replied, "Josh, I love this Skyler kid." No more than 2 hours later, he sent me a message and we just clicked. He told me that he was in the Navy and he killed terrorists [my best friend calls him T.K., terrorist killer.] He had to get off of Facebook and get back to work, so I told him to protect me from the terrorists. And he's been mine ever since. <3

We don't really know the actual moment we flat out said we were gonna be together, but our anniversary is the day we met, August 18, 2010. In just 2 days, we'll reach the six month mark, which is a huge deal for me because my past relationships never lasted more than four months. It's a big deal for him, too, because at this point, we're each others' longest relationship. We're currently 1,100 miles apart and we've spent a week together, but I wouldn't trade the kid for lifetime field-level tickets to every Cowboys game ever. Maybe a leg. Just kidding! [Have I mentioned that I have a horrible sense of humor?] I enjoy telling him that the reason we work is because I didn't pick him, he picked me. Thank God he did. :]

When we met, I was about to go to the doctor for my six-month check-up. [I had

cervical dysplasia, which was on its way to becoming cancer. Lovely.] I don't remember when I told him about it, but I know I was scared to. I mean, it was kind of intimidating. He was constantly reassuring me, and pushing me to hurry up and go so that I'd know, and he wanted

the results as soon as I got them. I was finally told that my pap smear came back normal for once, which meant I was fine! I was so excited to tell him, and he was happy to hear that I was ok, which also meant I'd stop stressing about it.

I'm a very stubborn person, so of course we have our disagreements. The first major one we had actually turned out to be kind of fun. I'm not sure what it was about, but I remember asking him if he wanted space, aside from the 1100 miles that were already between us. He said no. My reply was something along the lines of "Good, because I wasn't gonna give it to you, anyway." :] But he's very patient with me, so, with a little effort, we get through it.

I've never really had a "type," aside from "different from me." Well, he definitely falls into that category. He plays WoW, and is a nerd in general. But I must admit, I find it fucking adorable. He loves cats, which is perfect because I want a million of them. He cooks for me and gets me Whataburger ketchup. I'm a very loud, wild, and in-your-face person. He balances me out wonderfully, and keeps me grounded. He's made a huge breakthrough with my lame self-esteem, something no one else has managed to do, especially in six months. I feel so pretty when he looks at me, and I believe him when he says he thinks I'm beautiful. He took the time to really get to know me. He introduced me to his family, and, for the first time, I have not one, but TWO pictures of us on my wall. I've never displayed pictures of me and a boyfriend. I find myself making plans, but not just for myself. They're plans for us, for our future. I've never been the marriage type, but I may or may not have several wedding ideas and plans. I feel like he's proud to be with me, and I honestly can't recall a time when I've been happier in a relationship, let alone in my life.

I can see my future with him, and it looks damn good. I feel blessed to have him in my life and to

know that he loves and wants to be with me. Even if he is a WoW-playing nerd, he's my nerd and I love the kid. Kinda funny that the first time I talked about him, I said I loved him. Apparently I can predict the future. <3

"So once again I'm sitting here in class... but I can't seem to focus on anything but you. I know you have been waiting for this letter for a while now and I'm sorry I didn't write sooner, but the best time for me to write you is when I'm at school because that's when I miss you the most.

So yesterday you sent me a message on Facebook that made my day even better than it already was. That message made me start thinking about our past and how it all started. One thing that made me smile was when you would say "I'm in trouble." It was very cute and it let me know I had you right where I wanted you. I had to make you mine because girls like you are rare. You're the whole package. Heatherbear, you're beautiful, witty, funny, strong willed, and

stubborn. Funny thing is, even though you are stubborn and like to win, I still win and I prove you wrong left and right, don't I? I will convince you to see yourself as I see you, perfect in every way, shape, and form.

Well, Heather, I something you so very much and I can't wait to say that L word. You know, leprosy, that one. :)"

-A letter from my love, November 2010.

[Inside jokes: We waited until we actually met to say the L word. Until then, we came up with all kinds of clever things to get around it. And his nickname for me is "Heatherbear." It drove me nuts at first, but now I love it.]

Sabrina-My Love

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!

(Too bad that both my boyfriend and I have work today on Valentine's, we will be celebrating it tomorrow. SO I can't get to tell you what happened on our Valentine's celebration.)

Kyle..

My one true Love, my best friend, my everything.
This past January was our 3 year anniversary. I'm so lucky and grateful to have him. He is seriously one of a kind. For me to find someone so for me, and him to have someone for him, so early in life is a blessing. We fit almost too well together it's amazing.

September 2008 is when we first met. He was a new employee at the job I had been at for some months. There's a very long story about how we got together. It was quite a hassle actually to get with him, but I'm glad that we are together and that we both put up with a bit to get to where we are today. It was worth it all if you ask me. I'll save you the trouble of reading our super long story with turns and twists all down the road of it. We started off as friends and have ended as something spectaculour.

Out of our 3 years together we've been in one serious fight. We rarely argue and when we do we laugh about it within minutes or seconds because it's over nothing. I've had a few serious relationships and this one by far doesn't compare to any of them. It is above and beyond all of them.
Kyle is 6 foot. He has remarkable eyes that are a darker brown, but will rarely turn into a beautiful green that is just breathtaking. He has dark brown hair. He is my muscle man. He has a natural sixpack and muscles that his friends (including me) are jealous of. He is the fastest person I have ever met. Although he looks thin meeting him (and he is) he is nothing but covered in muscles. When I first met him I thought he was just a 'beanstalk', but now I definitely know better than to assume that again. Everything about him is nearly perfect!

I could seriously go on and on about him, his physical features, how smart he is, how quick witted and funny he is, how his smile makes my day brighter, how he perfectly seems to tell me the right things at the right time, he knows me oh so well, how much I would love to just be in his presence 24/7, how thinking about him gives me the biggest smile I've ever had without even noticing that I'm cheesing until it makes my cheeks hurt...wow, I got off topic real quick..

I love him. Everything about him, even when he is a total butthole.

Yesterday I had work early and was feeling like a complete zombie because I was tired and zonign out like no other. My phone vibrated with a text at 7am (I was at work at 5:45am) and I'm wondering who is up at this time. I open my phone with a text from my boyfriend who was surprising up..

"Hi my love, are you hanging in there?"
     "Yes, I'm ready to get off work already. I'm surprised your up?"
"Ha ha. Well believe it my love. I love you with all my heart and my soul. I'm going back to bed, but I was just thinking about you and wanted you to know that. Goodnight my Love! I want to see you when you get off. I miss you."

I was cheesing so hard the rest of the day. The day wouldn't go by quick enough. This was the last thing he said to me that was absolutely so cute. I wanted to give the most recent quote of his sweetness.

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful man!

Luce-Fear Ridden

Fears.

This was not something I have looked forward to writing about. I guess as someone anxiety ridden..writing about fears is a fear in itself.

Spiders? No

Any Bug? No

Snakes? Nope.

Mice? Oh heck yes. So petrified of any little thing that resembles a mouse...including hamsters and gerbils. Ewww. My cats are great mouse hunters, but unfortunately I get to see their killings and I freak out each and every time. My daughter fortunately doesn't share my fear and she now has been designated to be my "take the mouse outside" helper.

*Shudders*

I fear that something will happen to one of my children. I love my kids with my heart and soul and I can't imagine not having one of them in my life. I am not the over protective Mom that you read about in magazines and see on tv, but I worry so much about them.

My love. I am 41. He is 47. My fear is that we will never be able to end the distance and at this age we will never have "our time." I love that man with my entire being.

My biggest fear?



That I will die alone. I have a habit of running from those that love me and burning bridges. I just want to live, be loved, and be happy. I fear that my past has ruined my future. I fear that I will never be able to get to the point that I can live in TODAY.

I wrote this yesterday and had hopes that maybe I could write more...but I can't. This entry was definitely NOT one I liked to write. So I will end it here.

And sum it up quite easily.

I have many fears. And that scares me. :/

Jamie - You wanna know my fears, eh?

Do you really wanna know? *insert creepy laugh* Do you? Okay, fine you really wanna know huh? Then here they are!


1. Being Alone. In the sense of not having anyone to turn to.


2. Men. Ironic, since I have a boyfriend and all. But it's true, I am afraid of them =X Not in the sense that I will cower away from them I just dont know how to be around them...


3. Anger. Yes, dear readers, I am afraid of the emotion anger.


Sorry for such a short blog. I really dunno if I have any other fears worth mentioning :x

Tiffinnie - What if?

Today just feels like one of those really blah days, ya know? That in mind, I just remembered it was Thursday and I needed to talk about my fears. But I don't really know what it is that I fear. This last year I've been through so many changes that I'm not sure I have a fear I haven't been faced with.

Aside from the never ending fear of spiders, snakes, scorpions, and all those evil critters, I'm with a couple of the girls (so far) with my fear of needles. I'm not IV friendly, I'm not shot friendly, and I have been banned from my fair share of doctors offices for kicking the nurse in the stomach when she tried to give me a shot... That being said, my blood is my blood, it should stay inside my body and nothing should mix with it. I don't have much of a fear of tattoos or piercings, but the whole putting something in my muscles or veins and or taking something out of them... Yep, not ok.

Like mentioned in my 10 things I love blog entry, I have a little brother. When I say "little brother" everyone assumes a few years younger than I am, which is most definitely the case... but the "few years" is more like "twenty years". I had to face the fear of losing my mother. She is a diabetic and (still) refuses to take medication to make her better. This got really bad when she decided to keep on with the pregnancy and then have my brother... I was sitting in the office when they explained to me, my mother, and my sister how my mom needed to take her meds otherwise when they cut the umbilical cord, my brother could go into shock and seize. My mom was still very selfish and wouldn't really do much about her medical situation, therefore putting my brother's life at risk before he even got a chance to live. I didn't realize til then that I was so emotionally invested in someone I had yet to meet... someone I had yet to hold, or lay eyes on. Needless to say, I was on the phone every day with my mom making sure she was at least taking her medication the last two months. This fear of losing someone that meant so much to me carries on still now that he is out and healthy (for the most part)... He is going to be 9 months this month!! I'm just terrified that he will grow up and hate me for some reason, afraid he will get picked on in school (not that he has a reason to... its just one of those things I am afraid of happening), and the major fear is having to answer questions I really don't want to answer when he gets older. I mean... I'm going to lose my mom one day, and thats scary... but I think I could handle that more than he can. I'm 21 and I've had this long with her but I always wonder if he will get that amount of time with her too...

Another awesome fear of mine is that I will end up alone. I can't honestly tell you the last time I wasn't in love with someone. I went from being in love with a boy in junior high/highschool, to being in love with another boy in highschool, to falling out of love with him this last year, and falling head first into love with the amazing man I'm in love with now... I didn't intend things to be this way, believe me... it just how things happen... However, being in a long distance relationship isn't something that is new to me... I'm just scared that this 'being alone' part will never end. Like... what if one day we want to get married and start a family (yea that is REALLY REALLY far in the future if it does happen... we're very early on in our relationship) and we can't do that because of distance... What if we get to the point where we want to close the distance and can't? Can't as in not allowed to... What if he doesn't like me? For example, I am not the smallest girl... I'm not even an average sized girl... What happens when he sees me and wants to turn away? Seeing someone on webcam every single day for almost six months now I'm sure doesn't compare to seeing that person in front of you physically... I'm afraid I've allowed my emotions to run wild and do what they will without thinking about long term effects of this... I sit here and can't help but wonder sometimes, does he feel this way too or is he telling you that he does so you aren't hurt in the end?

Which leads to the next fear... doubt. I'm not even in a position to elaborate on that one right now...

I know this is sounding like I have faced a couple of the fears above already, and I have... but that doesn't mean they went away...

My best friend opened my eyes to the fear that has always been gnawing at me... Losing her. I'm not even going to lie, things aren't looking great in her life right now (not worried about her killing herself or anything...) and I wonder how much more she can handle... I always hear people talk about how their significant other is their soul mate and all this... but I found my soul mate in my best friend. I can make it through anything as long as she is by my side. With things that are going on in her life right now, uncontrollable and technically inevitable things, I'm constantly worried that she won't always be there... I hate to see her cry, I just sit there and stare. Lately that has been too much, but for the first time in almost ten years of knowing her... I don't know what to say to make things better... I never had that problem before, and I'm afraid it will happen again.

Now that I think about it, I fear mortality. I fear that I will lose those people that mean the most to me before they lose me... and I know that sounds so selfish, but I would rather be gone before they are. I don't want to go through losing them, and to be honest I don't know if I could go through that.

All in all, I do believe my biggest fear is actually tattooed on my body. "Ce Que Si" (French for "What If"). Those words will always haunt me. The possibilities of "what if" will always eat away at me.

What if I lose them?
What if I fail?
What if no one likes me?
What if something goes wrong?
What if what if what if what if....

Ok this blog sounded so depressing... >.< fail.